I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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