remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
