I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
