I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
