Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
