If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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