WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
