I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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