if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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