Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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