your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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