i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
