The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
