she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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