I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
