You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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