is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize