So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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