Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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