If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
