Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
