I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
