I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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