Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
