how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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