If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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