Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
