What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
