he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
