Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
