I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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