I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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