I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
