As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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