Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
