Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well I just put wine in my tea
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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