totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
