ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
