sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm like, not good at living.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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