Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
