i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
