My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
