i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
