if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
