I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This baby is an asshole
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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