Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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