I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
