So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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