Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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