i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Send help, water and tortillas.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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