Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
