Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
