I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
