so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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