You're my little dorito
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
