Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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