it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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