So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
