I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
