Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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