mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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