fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
