Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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