Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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