Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someone shattered a urinal.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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