This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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