Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
