if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
