somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
