he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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